"To carry the self forward and illuminate myriad things is delusion. That myriad things come forth and illuminate the self is awakening." During my active drinking, my sodden IPA-soaked self wandered around trying to convince itself that it was illuminating things. While I can't say I didn't have occasional insights (I did) or do the next right thing, my light was nearly always dimmed & my shadow long & creeping. Alcohol convinced me I could hide my shadow while actually giving it ever more power.
It wasn't until I stopped drinking, learned to let my being be in fits & starts, & made a decision to allow the Creation shape me that I started to find peace. The experience as a resolution was a) the decision AND, as you write, a conversion of my self into different things: an accepting lake, an accepting but moving & changing river, & a forested mountain that can stand firm, breathe & watch. The experience of being is somehow more certain & more mysterious, destined & fluid. The myriad things awaken me & illuminate the world if I am present to them.
"Alcohol convinced me I could hide my shadow while actually giving it ever more power."
This line resonated with me. I often say that I kept kicking the can down the road—I'll get it together today, tomorrow, next week … next month, even—and with every deferral the can gathered more and more debris until it became immoveable. I kept kicking anyways; old habits die hard. Then, much to my surprise, the can and all it had gathered rolled backwards and on top of me. I hit bottom.
Alcohol and my own stubbornness / unwillingness were chief contributors to that.
"To carry the self forward and illuminate myriad things is delusion. That myriad things come forth and illuminate the self is awakening." During my active drinking, my sodden IPA-soaked self wandered around trying to convince itself that it was illuminating things. While I can't say I didn't have occasional insights (I did) or do the next right thing, my light was nearly always dimmed & my shadow long & creeping. Alcohol convinced me I could hide my shadow while actually giving it ever more power.
It wasn't until I stopped drinking, learned to let my being be in fits & starts, & made a decision to allow the Creation shape me that I started to find peace. The experience as a resolution was a) the decision AND, as you write, a conversion of my self into different things: an accepting lake, an accepting but moving & changing river, & a forested mountain that can stand firm, breathe & watch. The experience of being is somehow more certain & more mysterious, destined & fluid. The myriad things awaken me & illuminate the world if I am present to them.
"Alcohol convinced me I could hide my shadow while actually giving it ever more power."
This line resonated with me. I often say that I kept kicking the can down the road—I'll get it together today, tomorrow, next week … next month, even—and with every deferral the can gathered more and more debris until it became immoveable. I kept kicking anyways; old habits die hard. Then, much to my surprise, the can and all it had gathered rolled backwards and on top of me. I hit bottom.
Alcohol and my own stubbornness / unwillingness were chief contributors to that.